you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
