all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
