I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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