I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My penis needs a shock collar
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
