I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
