Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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