Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
