She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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