Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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