I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
