What did we do last night that was yellow?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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