i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
