I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
