i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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