So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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