May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
