at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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