I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize