I love black thongs
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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