you traded sex for a burrito?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
