I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
