She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
