You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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