I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
