instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
