Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
