The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
