My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
