Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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