My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just forgot I was standing up.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
