i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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