Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
