Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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