Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
