Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
