at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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