Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The Olympian is in my bed
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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