I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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