Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
