Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Randomize
