I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
