forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
