is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
