I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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