hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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