i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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