she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just want to make out with him forever
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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