is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
