To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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