i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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