you have to choose: penises or morals?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Randomize
