She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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