When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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