We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
