Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
