Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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