I can text with my tongue
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I would fuck him just for his dog
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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