I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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