he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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