official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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