So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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