she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
